Here I am, finally!

Thank you for joining me here! I am The Tangled Tulip. If you are reading this, welcome!

Despite trying to snuff it out —AKA ignore to the 177th power— I’ve felt a smoldering stir inside my heart to express my experiences in the form of written word for years probably. Most recently, the flares of confirmation began igniting more frequently all around me. Throughout my 39 (and counting) trips around the sun, like most of you, my journey has been made up of a myriad of experiences. I believe that we all have stories to tell, from mundane to heart wrenching, offering opportunities for us to learn from, grow through, and find healing in. Even when it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done, sharing our journey can ignite connection, create circles of support, and inspire others to seek their own growth and healing.

In the last several years, my journey has been filled with its greatest joys and infused with my deepest heartbreak. I have ended chapters and started new ones. I found a fairy tale like love and married the most precious man. My daughters have reached young adulthood and I am mommin’ through the murky transition that comes with that. Newsflash—once a mom, always a mom, and the bigger the kids, the bigger the challenges. I came face to face with addiction. I am attempting to make peace with the past, learning how I became who I am and how to become the best version of me. Although, that is an ongoing gig. Friendships have changed and perspectives too. Juggling 20+ years of single mom life, a child with mental illness, attempting to mend her and trying to maintain the mental health of another child and myself, everyday life, working to do everything ‘right’, trying to hold it together even when everything is falling apart,  and debunk statistics eventually catches up with you. The collateral damage of even my best intentions has started to reveal itself. There is still so much learning, healing, and growth left  to go. But, this season has given me profound introspection and refueled my passion to be more and to keep trying . In order to accept those gifts, the journey towards healing had to happen. The pathway to healing from such insurmountable and ongoing  pain and accepting very difficult truths is not one of comfort, not for me anyway.  Obedience isn’t usually easy either. The calling I feel God placed within me to share these accounts became too loud to ignore, the constant tug became stronger with each passing day. The “if not now, then when” resonated deeper in my conscience.

I’m that girl that has to analyze all the chaos of events unfolding around me. Usually more than once. And I am usually trying to see how it all connects together. My coping mechanism for making peace with it all fuels my desire to let it grow me, not strow me. I am a recovering ‘fixer’ and that is one of the few positive attributes of this personality type that actually works in my favor. I am continually searching for the greater purpose, self-reflecting, and trying to discover the why of  it all. Looking above to the heavens, inwardly, outwardly, and of course, carefully vetting all the things with my homegirl, Google. Along the way I have had so many epiphanies and lightbulb aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! moments (go ahead, cue the angels, I’m signaling my Auntie  Oprah right now!). I am also one that has to talk (and talk) through the chaos after over analyzing it in order to process it. As a result, I may or may not drive my tribe crazy at times. But my quirky charm makes up for it! Because of this overall practice I’ve reconciled and healed so much from others who have courageously shared their hard stories – knowing it was necessary for me to pay it forward and do the same when I was ready.  I haven’t known exactly where these volumes of my life would find themselves, but I’ve known for a while that they shouldn’t just reside within me.

Articulating my thoughts and feelings through written expression versus auditory explanation comes much easier for me. I am able to find healing and greater understanding when I put my feelings into words. It also helps when I can go back to review and reflect upon them. See, I told you, there goes that inner analyst rearing her head again! I have also found great peace and insight from others who have the courage and willingness to bare themselves vulnerable by sharing their own difficult truths, even when it is hard to do. Echoing my story outside my safe circle both scares and excites me—it also gives me peace. Sharing my story in small support group circles and in conversation among trusted friends has sustained my sanity and brought comfort to my chronic despair over the last few years. Exposing myself and those I love publicly in this way and makes me squirm a little. Okay, a whole bunch. The opportunity for scrutiny, judgment, and misunderstanding this opens up is infinitely magnified by doing so.
Reaching the pathway to deeper healing, greater understanding, and connection I hope being obedient to this call will provide means getting out of my comfort zone, letting go of fear, and trusting His guidance. I’m choosing to see that the reward will be greater than the risk. I know that He has called me to do it, either for a minute or forever. Therefore, it must be done, so I will obey. I am learning to trust that if He has called me to do something, He’s already taken care of the rest.

I’ve regretted not accounting this journey in real-time as soon as I felt the nudge because backtracking through the choppy waters of life is asking a lot when I can hardly remember what I had for lunch today.  I just don’t think I would have been able to justly document it all as it was happening. It had to simmer. Not to mention, it would have been rather impossible due to the chaos of the circumstances to immediately dictate it as it all played out. Straight emotion, no chaser wouldn’t fare any of us well. But, in true Tangled Tulip fashion, I have jotted down cliff notes and reminders along the way, to rattle my memory, for such a time as this. There is a time and season for everything, and for this, that time is now. So, here I am.

If you are still with me at this point, we are bonded for life, you have to come back! I invite you along as I share my heart in all of its many conditions….from heavy, faint, melted, lost, found, sick, young, broken, aching, full, to its utmost desire, and everywhere in between. Feeling all the feels, creating purpose from the pain and jumping in all the joy! It is my hope that we can connect, share, entertain, and grow together! It’s a date, right?

The Tangled Tulip

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